more random musings:

my desire to be perfect leaves me poisoned. it's a slow curse that i live out, day-by-day. my cure lies in the palm of your hand. and yet you wrap your fingers around it. you hide that which will make me sane once more. now i realise that we were never meant to be together. it's a choice i was never willing to make. i swear that i would take and hold your hand..

if it didn't mean that you'd drop it.

--

ahem. why do i do it? because i can.

(written just after the O levels)

an ode to examinations.

cramming, mugging, stuffing information
mugging my brain, stealing its youth
on some glorious journey without destination
in search of the holy grail of truth
for what noble reason exists the examination?
to test our memory or our intelligence?
it's a pretty word for a mind's bitter contamination
come and watch; it'll be magnificent.
i ask, who holds the strings and plays Satan?
running our lives down to the finest letter
one error and it's eternal suffering and damnation
but oh, wait... it gets MUCH better.
more cramming, mugging! more information!
two more years of pain and strife!
to decide whether cyanide poisoning or aphyxiation
is a better way to end this life.

random thoughts:
the phrases 'forever and ever' and 'for every endeavour' are stuck in my head.

restaurant: vansh -stadium waterfront. it's north indian fusion cuisine. the food is above average, but the decor is very embargo-ish. very chic. very nice.

cover of my notebook: "my thoughts are my religion. this is my bible." no offence to any religion intended, of course. not to mention that "this is my koran." just didn't sound right.

days go by and i think i'm beginning to cease to exist. the famous 'cogito, ergo sum' would er.. sum up my reasoning well enough.

meeting some people over the last few weeks has changed the way i think about friends and acquaintances. and has shed some light on the differences between the two. descartes said that '[outside things] are not perceived because they are seen and touched, but only because they are understood.' not knowing enough about some people has given me a perception of them that will not call wrong, but rather, sketchy. there're alot of really nice souls out there waiting to be discovered if ever the opportunity would present itself to another person. opportunity. it's the word of the week for me. it seems to come up in one form or another in everything i do nowadays. although descartes probably didn't mean it in this context, i've found it suitable. and i shall apply it accordingly. after all, this whole world is based on perception. what we see and what we think we are seeing are two very different things.

a friend of mine is still thinking about her future. we all do that sometime or the other. some people fear it, some people shun it, some people embrace it and some people don't even notice it. the future is a great big jigsaw puzzle and it's the idealist's view that each of us has a piece of it. my view is that none of us even know what the big picture looks like. we are ignorant. i am ignorant. but ignorance gives us strength.

it's with this strength that man continues to live in the hope that his future is more than just the sum of his yesterdays.

went out today, at long last. bumped into enough people to convince me that today was the official 'rjc canteen moves to orchard road' day. met up with serene to pass her her xmas present (at long last), then met the army boys n ben at orchard mrt. bumped into gen, xueling, damien's angels, melvin tan, matthew, alfonso and saw plenty of people i've seen around in school before, but don't know. visited flea at work today and had a very interesting conversation that sounded like this: "mumble mumble mumble.." "oh really? mumble mumble." "ok.. better go before your superior mumble mumble." "yeah.." "well, nice clothes you have here. bye." "mumble." it was the 'gritting-your-teeth' sorta mumbling and that made it all the more exciting.

i heard lotsa army stories today. really funny stuff. from master yoda to malay platoon commanders to confinement, we laughed to our hearts' content. time really passes when those guys are around.


but when they go back in, life slows down to a standstill for me, once again. sometimes things take you by surprise. sometimes you don't expect things to change. sometimes you take things for granted. sometimes people ask too little of you till it's too late. sometimes you can't help but forgive them. sometimes you wish you could forget. sometimes you wish you could regret. sometimes you don't feel like getting up in the morning. sometimes you don't feel like going to sleep at night. you lay there. and you think. and you can't fall asleep. because all you're thinking about is falling asleep. it floods your mind and keeps you awake. sometimes i wish things were different. you understand. maybe you wish it too. you know what it feels like. it doesn't hurt. not as much as it should.

maybe it happened. maybe time didn't stop for you anymore. i can change that but there's only so much i can do to change the way you feel now. there's no poetry in this world that can change something like that. if only i could grasp a second, or hold a minute, or take an hour. i'd give them to you. to keep safely. for there's not much else i could do for us now.

alright. since the buttons on the left refuse to work, i've got no choice but to put my university guide on a new blog till further notice. it's my work, so if you steal any of it, i will hunt you down and infest your house with termites. so don't. it's at bigbadguide.blogspot.com

maria gave me something to think about when were talking about suicide and a comment that she made (on a recent post):

maria :
u know exposing a part of yourself is reaLLy scary.
rahul. :
yeah.. like the 101 questions? [note: this is in reference to those 101-questions-about-you mass-emails that you get that we filled in long ago (me first, her later). she said it feels very uncomfortable sending her answers to strangers. coincidentally, this is how we met. well, sorta.]
maria :
heh.. well not even that.. some things u don't mind people knowing about. material things. but stuff that's to do with emotion and intellect. that's some scary shit... coz its ultimately you. everything you are. and if someone sort of mocks it.. that's just demoralising. coz its you. you can't change what you are ultimately. but if someone makes fun of like.. my stupid old handphone or my out-of-fashion ring tone then.. that's material and i can change it. am i making sense?


she left a great comment on that post i've linked above. thanks, girl.

i had my duke 'interview' today. a duke old boy called mark lim. it was supposed to be an hour long, but we were talking from 6.30 to 8.30 about all sorts of stuff. I was asking him all about the place, the uni, the people and the culture. I got plenty of insight and as it stands, duke's pretty much one of my top choices. now i don't wanna go into the whole trap of talking about universities and all that because it's not very interesting at all to hear someone subconciously brag.

i met mira for lunch today. it was short (about an hour) but we did plenty of talking. we grabbed a bite at this nice boulangerie near raffles place mrt. i can't remember the name. it starts with a 'c' and it's really hard to pronounce, so it doesn't really matter if you know the name or not. you can't say the name to your friends and expect them to know what you're talking about, unless you've both agreed to pronounce it wrongly in the same way. anyway, she was telling me more about her job and...

small world moment of the week: she said something about this girl puja from rj who's working as a temp at some law firm around there. well, i was reading this blog today, out of the blue, and the girl who keeps it, joyce, is working in the same company as puja. and they're primary school classmates who had no idea they were working temp for the same firm. well, actually. come to think of it, this is singapore, so it's not really very surprising that stuff like this happens.

well, my brother's left for australia to resume his flight training course (this is the part where we actually flies a plane). the house'll be a bit quieter...

for a few days. i'm moving the xbox into his room, and plugging it into the sweeet flat-panel monitor he's got and wiring it to the surround sound system as soon as i figure out how to do that best. then i'm gonna move my drumset in and use the sweeet sound system to help me practise. more complimentary earmuffs for my neighbours. and i have high-speed internet access the whole day, so that means more blogging.

this. is. perfect.


i'm gonna miss ya, dude.

for pet, whenever she comes back:

the girl fell silent.
lost for words. lost in space.

lost in one place.

sitting in the backseat of a car
with a frontseat view of the world.

the gas lamps whizzed by.
streaks of light outside those
tinted windows.

rows of houses on cobbled streets.
a dream. come true.

the flesh of a fantasy.

not anymore. it's not just in her head.

and the smell... heavenly, like that of
freshly-baked bread.

untitled (you.)

you. a ghost's shadow. you have no name.
unspeakable. untouchable. unbearable pain.
i know you; you know nothing about me.
i'm wrong and you're right. thus, i believe.
this is exactly the way it should be;
us apart and our past not etched indelibly.
but i am insane and i crave your breath.
for which i will gladly accept the kiss of death.
suck my life into your own; feel my pains.
regret not the poison now coursing through your veins.
old lovers promise to keep away for good.
but life without is death, and death is without love.
it is a curse that a cupid's nightmares are made of.
you. a ghost's shadow. you have no name.
i wish it were so. let me fall in love again.

Outer Darkness.

turn around and for once, look me in the eye
tell me the truth you can no longer hide
end my pursuit 'fore it further takes its toll
i'm still gathering slivers of my heart; spare my soul
Henley comes to mind, and the only words i know
"under the bludgeonings of chance, my head is bloody, but unbowed.'
you are unsure, undecided. and yet you insist.
you are rich beyond the dreams of avarice
and you do not know it.

i sacrifice myself for your own guiltless pleasure
now i demand an eye for an eye; a measure for measure
i can't hold a candle up to you, you now say
and so ends the dance, the fiery footwork of predator and prey
you pounce, and cast me into the Outer Darkness that is hell
alas, le jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle.
(alas, the game was not worth the candle.)

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