foreword for my book:

to be a poet at this age is one thing, but to be an author is another altogether. i believe that age is something that we should never let stand in our way, no matter how young or old we are. how grateful i am to have parents who concur. i thank them for being pillars in my life. i thank my brother, whose many achievements pale in comparison to the simpler joys he has given me, for being a pillar in my mind. i thank my friends for being pillars in my soul. and i thank god for being the greatest pillar of all to me, by surrounding me with these wonderful people and asking for little in return. may my faith in all of you repay your unwavering faith in me.

lady luck has often smiled upon me. she has given me experiences some people i know would gladly sell a sizeable portion of their soul to the devil for. i was born in india, and lived in germany for four years, before moving to singapore in 1990. my parents’ nomadic lifestyle seems to have come to an end now, but having lived in nigeria, england, germany and india, the experiences they have had are more than sufficient to last two lifetimes. their open-mindedness has rubbed off on me, as well as their love for language and knowledge. my mother speaks several tongues fluently, including a handful of indian languages. my father believes in toffler’s ‘learning, unlearning and relearning,’ and it is evident in his voracious appetite for books and his passion for conversation. my parents love to travel, my mother having travelled the world since her college days and my father having had business ventures in countries so estranged to tourists that it seemed like he might have had to charter a private jet just to get there. croatia and south africa are just two of the many places he has worked in. i’ve had the pleasure of visiting south africa and it is truly vibrant and beautiful, as is most of africa. there’s nothing like standing by the cliff’s edge at the cape of good hope, and watching and feeling clouds fly right through you. at times, it does feel like it’s happening the other way around. it’s the third most southern point on the african continent, after cape point and cape agulhas. it is experiences like this, the people i have met and known, and the things that i have done in my life that have shaped me into the person that i am now. and i have no regrets whatsoever.

many of my poems tell short stories. tales of finding love, losing it and coming to terms with it. i touch on topics such as faith, fear, the future and fantasy as well, in an effort to put down in words some of the things we see in life and some of the things we only ever see when we close our eyes. this book is a collection of the best of four years of my written work, starting from when i was in secondary three, aged fourteen. i sincerely hope, that in the experiences and thoughts i have put down in words in the following pages you may find meaning, and that between the lines, you may find escape.

for some others, however, there is little hope for escape from the reality that they live in. while we have books to read, music to listen to, hobbies to partake in and other activities to save us from life’s less than desirable moments, there remain amongst us, those who cannot escape as easily. i speak of the children with cancer, the orphans, the abandoned children and elderly, those without food, shelter and love, the sick, the handicapped, and all others who are considered less fortunate, but rarely ever considered in our daily lives. i am making a donation towards those groups that share my family’s vision in giving to those who need, and hence, i pledge half of the proceeds from the sale of this book to several charitable organisations of my choice. it is true that these groups need money to continue functioning, but i must stress that it is much more critical that there will continue to be people who believe in charity if they are to truly make a difference. i encourage anyone who reads this book to contribute, more than money, any amount of time that they can to help change someone’s future.


no man stands as tall as when he kneels to help a child.


thank you.

as if i needed a reminder:

ten more hours. although one was unfortunately spent a bit dizzy and queasy.

french class was trés bien! the language is tricky but interesting. and i've got a great study-buddy to boot!

the conversations throughout today were top-class, as usual, except most of the stuff we tried saying to one another in french. -grin-

sometimes i play these games
sometimes i say that i'll stay
sometimes i may lose my way
sometimes i pray people change
sometimes, but not today.

ten hours of escape.

it's been 9 hours since and i'm still smiling.

i'll spend the next few months searching for a greater joy in this life that ten hours with you. and i already know the answer.

"walk on!"
- last words of buddha to his disciples

a phrase that can carry us through life's difficult moments, if only we hold firm to our belief that it works.

a mind wandering:

he can't read but he can write.
yes, that's right. he's my son.
our fate, i'll not let him suffer.
i'd rather his eyes see no light
than have his gaze fixed upon
the darkness of this world.

who let the cowboy on the saddle? he don't know a missile from a gavel.

a flag is a rag, is a shround out loud; outside, a faceless crowd. a cowering child just took her last breath; one snare in the march of death.

on the left. on the left.
left. right. left.
but it's just a march of death.

-march of death, zack de la rocha & dj shadow

it is the time for sleep and yet there is none.

i blink and i can feel the surface of my eye burn. it's a sensation that borders on pain and relaxation. i'm caught up in the moment. but i'd rather be catching forty winks.

you're here now. and everything is different. sleep is forgotten. time is irrelevant. sorrow dissipates. you do not know the meaning of life nor the answers to my questions, but you give my life much meaning and you make me question the answers i have grown comfortable with. i rediscover myself in the reflection of me i see in your eyes. you give me the gift i have searched long for. you make me feel good to be me, because i realise how special you really are. nothing else really matters.

nothing.

i usually don't put anything like this on my blog, but it really struck me today that the 'coalition forces' seem more adept at killing themselves than anyone else (including iraqi soldiers).

confused? look here and here.

northwestern rejected me today.

the fools!

haha

my dad wants me to write a book on his past and his thoughts.

chengxi suggested that i include my brother's past and achievements in the book.

as well as my own.

i'm pretty sure that i'll die of old age with a friggin' pen in my hand.

duke's the university i'd really like to attend if i don't get into stanford, but after reading this - it's not that i'm not sure anymore - it's just that these people give me the jibblies.

faith.

for cx:

creeping slowly over the rise
it rushes down suddenly
and gets caught up in the moist pink
the taste of salt
the taste of tears
her vision is blurry and she's struggling
to breathe, to think, to come to terms
how can anyone be immune to reason?
escape.
it's all she can think of.
and yet she is trapped. steel walls that lock her in
that press on her mind and squeeze the thoughts out
she is a circle.
perfect. as perfect as she can be.
and yet there is no escape from the cycle.
round and round she goes. and there is no
escape.
some say that these children deserve better.
some say their parents deserve better.
some say nothing at all.
chances are, what i believe is wrong.
but i don't care so long as it makes her smile again.
what do i believe?

escape.

today, in the rjc canteen, i discovered that change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

life's a bit like monopoly. the earlier you get your hands on 'property', the better your chances of coming out on top. the value of the property is directly proportional to what you get when other people end up on it, as well as to how much it costs to obtain that property. but the real secret to winning is to have a little bit of all sorts of property rather than owning just the pricy ones.

from the instruction manual for my xbox console:

if the Xbox console falls and hits someone, especially a small child, it could cause serious injury.

too many things wrong about that warning. it's repeated in its entirety several times throughout the manual.

comics: selected lines from my collection.

spawn, issue 114
stranger: "many, many years ago, back in the days of the samurai, there was a great soldier named isanagi nakadai. in this time, great wars were being fought. nakadai won a key victory in the name of the emperor, whom he served. the emperor sought to reward him for his service. he made nakadai a feudal lord, the ruler of his own fiefdom. nakadai returned to his home province victorious. but his joy soon turned sour. for it was then that nakadai learned that his wife and child had been taken by fever the previous spring.

he was inconsolable.

for a year, he indulged himself in his grief, eating little, speaking less. he neglected his duties. one evening, as he was walking through the palace grounds, lost in thought, he came across an old man.

"good evening, lord nakadai. it is a wonderful night to be alive, is it not..?" ...said the old man. but lord nakadai said nothing. "you neglect your garden, my lord. be careful how it grows." lord nakadai was unused to being spoken to like this. but the old man had himself been a great warrior, many years ago. in his old age, he was content merely to care for the palace grounds. nakadai respected him.

i'm sorry. am i boring you, ben?"

ben nakadai: "no. this is fascinating. go on."

stranger: "well, the old man invited the lord into his hut for tea. nakadai accepted the invitation. life had lost its flavour, nakadai confessed to his host. the world was empty without his family. the old man offered him some advice.

"you are running from demons," he said. "they will shadow your path for all your days if you do not turn around and face them. each of us has a dragon. we must slay it or make peace with it. but if you refuse to face it, it will devour you in the end." nakadai nodded, understanding. "when you do slay your dragon," the old man continued, "be sure to look it in the eye. it will show you what you most fear."

"but it will also show you what you most need to know."

lord nakadai left home that night, without a word to anyone. abandoning his throne without naming a heir. ha became a ronin. a wandering, lordless samurai. he fought many battles and did many great deeds. it is said that he freed the countryside from the grip of a particularly wicked bandit clan. he fought tricksters and wizards. he cast five demon brothers from the holy temple. tales of his bravery spread far and wide, and he became something of a legend. but for all his travels, he still had not seen his dragon.

one day, as he wandered throught the wilderness, lord nakadai beheld a strange sight. a small child stood at the edge of a bridge. perhaps it was lost, or abandoned by its mother. nakadai went to investigate. but the boy had vanished. from across the stream, nakadai could hear the gentle laughter of a child, floating like soap bubbles in the air. he crossed the bridge and rode into the wood. he followed the sound. it led him to an ancient temple, perched on the edge of a cliff. nakadai dismounted his horse and went inside.

and there he saw it.

he had come face to face with his dragon.

the temple shook with the deep, resonant laughter of the beast. nakadai froze for a moment, unable to move. but his courage soon found him. they were joined together in fierce battle. the dragon moved like lightning. nakadai's sword flashed like the devil in the moonlight. each, it seemed, was a match for the other. neither willing to back down an inch. and so the battle raged through the night. until at last, their warring began to shake the very temple apart. finally, with a fierce blow, nakadai stabbed the great beast through its black heart... just as the building went tumbling off the edge of the cliff. as they fell into the night, nakadai could hear his dragon, still laughing at him. lord nakadai had failed to do as the old man bade him.

he forgot to look the dragon in the eye.


---
issue 117
stranger:"deep down, you're afraid to look, you've always known that. your father was no hero. he was a drunken brute who beat his children because it made him feel some small measure of power in a world that overwhelmed him. he was a cruel and ignorant man the world is well rid of. the 'dark thing' had tried to help you. but his good intentions weren't enough. were they, eddie?

as i said, it is a tragic story. one you couldn't bare to believe."

eddie: nooo..

stranger: "so when a charming stranger came to you in your incarceration, and told you of hope and faith and redemption... you were only too glad to listen. -sigh- such a trusting boy. it'll be the death of you, if you're not careful."

(sound of heart rate machine flatlining)

sweet dreams, eddie."

doctor (rushing in just after stranger leaves ward) : he's in seizure! get a cart in here stat!

---

issue 121
sam: this is a waste of time.
twitch: is it? no kidding? thanks for sharing.
s: i'm just saying. freakin' stakeouts. what a joke. like twistelli's gonna whack a guy right in front of our car. i hate this crap.
t: hey, you know what might make it better? if you complained some more. time flies when you bitch and moan.
s: i forgot you were so sensitive.
t: i'm just saying.
s: fine. i'll just sit here and do the crossword. that okay?
t: don't strain yourself.
s: well.. lookit this. a nine-letter word for "partner."
t: associate.
s: shhh! i can do this myself.
t: so do it.
s: A...S...S... ..M.O.N.K.E.Y... ASS MONKEY. "my partner is an ass monkey." hey, this is fun.
t: a riot.

i have reached the ground where even God's Angels fear to tread,
and what strength it gives me to pass unharmed.

---

1: i really shouldn't have said that.
2: don't worry. it's not a sign of weakness. it's a symbol of trust.
1: trust?
2: you don't realise that what you just said has made me feel better than it had made you.
1: whaddya mean?
2: what i mean is that knowing that you trust me means everything to me.

the funniest columnist alive has a blog.

photo frenzy:
check out these pictures, people.

i suggest you take a butcher at these ones:
front
/100_0179 (that's a real cigar)
winterson album
/cover1copy |
/cover2copy | old book cover ideas
/cover3copy |
/crestfallen2 (my old website's front graphic)
/wintersunedited

i always wondered why, and i never knew the answer. why perfection? i feel uncomfortable thinking about it and yet there is no calm when i do not. there is something i would like to say, but i am afraid. afraid of the consequences. afraid of being wrong. afraid of not having thought it out enough. i'm afraid of enough things to convince me not to say a word. i have faith in myself. i trust myself. is that not enough to give me strength? i do not know whether i believe in destiny and fate. i have yet to be swept aside by them. lady luck has smiled upon me many times in my life and for that i thank her. but there is only so much she can do if i do not help myself.

i do believe that there is a god. and he is watching over me. he does not intervene. but from him i draw strength. i could ask him why he was not around when i needed him and i could ask him why he did not answer my questions and prayers. but i have not and i will not. it is not a question of how much he asks of us and how much we ask of him in return. it is a question of how much we ask of ourselves. he was always there when i needed him. now i understand. god does not intend for us to be perfect. we need only seek perfection. that is enough for us all. flaws make life worth living. and make you perfect in my eyes.

i always wondered why, and now i know the answer.